If you haven’t got it already, then you probably never will.
10. Stuff that shouldn’t be on Facebook SHOULDN’T BE ON FACEBOOK!
Hey, guess what? Facebook is on the Internet. You know, the world’s largest PUBLIC NETWORK. If something absolutely cannot fall into the wrong hands then perhaps keep it off Facebook? Because once it’s on the Internet, it’s theree to stay. And you know, just like Jeff Goldblum said about the dinosaurs, “nature finds a way”. And you know that video of you completing Level 52 of Angry Birds on company time will somehow make its way to your boss. I mean, it’s nature. Well not really.But you can.
9. Posts about weather are redundant.
If I live close enough to you for it to matter, then I already know. If I don’t then I don’t care.
8. You’ll never be able to see who visits your profile.
Give it up. No matter how many programs, Facebook apps or browser extensions you install you’re never going to find out who stalks you on facebook unless you buy twitter followers. You will, however, have a computer so infected with malware that half the criminal empire will have access to your bank account. Wonderful.
7. Don’t drink and post.
Perhaps even deadlier than the “don’t drink and dial” paradigm is its Facebook equivalent. At least drunken slurs over a phone can have plausible deniability. E.g. “uhh… that never happened” or “oh you thought I said ‘I love you’? No, I said … ‘Olive… juuuice…’”. Facebook however, such deniability is removed. It’s out there for all to see, and expect the more embarrassing the post to be directly proportional to the number of friends who hit the “Print Screen” button.
6. You control your privacy (and it should be ON!)
Remember those days when we used to care who saw us having a poo? You are the most important person involved in controlling your privacy settings and who sees you take a poo. Make sure your privacy is set to friends only. (Even the most innocuous information set to public can be a goldmine for a variety of criminals, including identity thieves – though they probably wouldn’t use a photo of you taking a poo)
5. Facebook don’t donate money for likes or shares.
Believe it or not, there isn’t a surplus of surgeons sat in front of their computer screens waiting to perform lifesaving operations as soon as a photo on Facebook exceeds 1000 Likes.
4. Your friends don’t care THAT much.
Did people give a shit about what you had for dinner before Facebook existed? They probably still don’t.
3. There’s this program, called Photo-Sssh…Store?… or something?
There is this program some people have, Photo something…you can use it to… alter photos. I know right? 4k Technology eh!?
2. Facebook – taking the social out of social.
If you’re posting from your mobile every 10 minutes about what a great night you’re having then you’re probably not having a great night. Or your idea of a great night is typing on your mobile. Oh and by the way, your friends hate you.
1. Your friends don’t play as many Facebook Games as you.
There’s nothing quite like that burning contempt we slowly develop for people who keep asking us to adopt rainbow coloured goats or persistently updating us on their level 12 pumpkins, or getting constant invites to Candy Crush Saga and Bejeweled Blitz. Can’t think of anyone who does that? It’s you.
P.S. Facebook lets you like your own posts. Don’t do it.