In the latest dramatic move by the world’s largest social networking website, Facebook have announced they will be banning users from whining about their pitiful personal problems through the site.
The announcement comes only months after Facebook introduced the mandatory competency test to its users and is the latest in a string of steps that Facebook have implemented in order to – how one Facebook employee phrased it – “stop users from being total dicks.”
The sweeping measures will mean that Facebook members will no longer be able to post details about their piddly-ass problems on Facebook and will instead have to resort back to talking to people in the real world.
Social Media guru and Nickleback groupie Larry Lenderson applauded the move –
”About bloody time. Instead of confiding with close friends, attention-seeking twats opt to use Facebook as a way to inappropriately broadcast their most private issues to their entire contact list. Often in that pointless vague, cryptic way that makes me want to eat my own face.”
”Do I really give two shits that Charlene from Accounting got an STD from her cheating boyfriend? I’ve barely muttered 5 sentences to this woman and she’s revealing to me through Facebook that her crotch is a one stop shop for crabs. There is something fundamentally wrong in a world where this can be a reality.”
Roberto Robertson, Director of Acceptable Content at Facebook, explained the problem –
” We’ve given people the ability to communicate quickly and easily. But the problem is that people are stupid, and they can now communicate quickly and easily. On hindsight we really should have really seen this coming.”
Robertson outlines the actions taken by Facebook…
”So we’ve taken the step to ban personal crap from Facebook. No more creepily excessive information about divorces or custody battles. No more running commentary on your sexual orientation. No more bollocks about your latest “fresh start on life” and definitely no more details describing the extent of how two-faced your “so-called friends” are. You can save that shit for MySpace or your therapist. This is the new Facebook, bitches.”
The move has been widely applauded, but a minority have criticised the step. Sharon Shiraz from Swindon had this to say…
”Facebook is my personal diary about how shit my life is and how everyone and everything is against me. If I can’t drone on about it on Facebook to people who barely know me then what the fuck am I going to do? Get out and do something productive with my life? You’re living in a dream world love.”
Sources inside Facebook suggest future improvements include banning users who can’t comprehend the difference between ’your’ and ’you’re’.