Conspiracy theorists are not real, it has emerged, and their apparent existence is nothing more than an elaborate Government led conspiracy.
In an ironic twist of events, anonymous insiders are confirming for the first time that the world’s leading conspiracy theorists – such as Alex Jones and Glenn Beck – are nothing more than “crisis actors”, individuals selected by Government officials to play out paranoid freaks.
Suspicions as to the legitimacy of some of the leading theorists were raised this year when their online ramblings became increasingly bizarre and incoherent. A government insider explains…
“We hit a high point with the 9/11 truther movement. We sucked in lots of people with that one. But we wanted to see just how progressively delusional our ‘conspiracy theorists’ could get before people started to question if they were actually real people.”
The insider continues…
“So we got Alex talking about US officials attacking Americans with ‘Weather Weapons’ and a whole host of other crazy shit. I mean this stuff was priceless. I still can’t believe people bought it and how popular it got.”
And popular it certainly did get, with Alex Jones’ website Infowars.com becoming one of the most visited sites in the United States.
“What people don’t get is that the stories on Infowars have become so inane it has basically been a deadpan satire website for the last year or so. The fact that people still believe the stuff on it is frankly beyond words.”
We approached another high ranking US insider official known only as ShallowThroat regarding the reason and motivation for creating conspiracy theorists. He had this to say…
“Research was telling us the Internet was in danger of becoming last year’s news. People were getting bored. Studies were showing over 80% of online traffic consisted of sharing photos of LolCats and warnings about viruses that don’t exist. We planted people like Beck, Jones and that twat Mike Adams to create some controversy. To keep people online.
After all the last thing we want is for everyone to go outside and make real friends. Urrghhh.”
Since the news broke, Alex Jones has returned to his previous job as a checkout clerk for Costco. Glenn Beck is considering a new venture as an impersonator for “A Christmas Story” character Ralphie.
Sadly Mike Adams didn’t take the news so well and – against advice from professionals – actually consumed some of the products he peddles on his NaturalNews.com website and hasn’t been seen since. Experts speculate that he may now be a super villain.